The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Love it! 👍😂
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun