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Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away
I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.
CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children
Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?
CRONUS: omg what did I say
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
I got a dig bick.
You that read wrong.
That awkward when you read that wrong too.
And said ‘moment’ after awkward.
This is awkward.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.