@alyssalimp

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

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@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

@DadInUtah

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

@Chumpstring

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

@SortaBad

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

@TomSchally

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

@JVarsityCaptain

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”SeanINCypress”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3585747127/351e3f95d36ba496cf8af16930da7d2f_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”196342135564410882″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”134″;s:5:”tweet”;s:136:”Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@reczit

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…