The sun is a star. So technically it’s night all the time.

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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.


Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close


Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.


[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.


Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)


Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.


If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.


What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.


i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king