The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me irl
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.