Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
no such thing as a dumb question
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry