Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.
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Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there
Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
[CON WALKS FREE]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Dad, was I a cocky teenager?
Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game