@attsmcjay

The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.

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@djdarrellripley

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

@MondayPajamas

Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

@TheRealNickKay

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

@andlikelaura

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

@garrettbarry70

Dad, was I a cocky teenager?

Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….

DAAAD!

@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@Mardigroan

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@FunkyFresh_79

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game