The Sun’s probably Asian.
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
This guy gets it.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Guilty! 🤪
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up