The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”