The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.