1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*