The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

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When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.


Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.


Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.


Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…


PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?


*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity


Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.