@elle91

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

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@AbbyHasIssues

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@T_Longstreth

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

@kyry5

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@StevieKnip

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*