The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones