@elle91

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

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@_steamy_mac

When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.

@adamhess1

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

@Marcmywords2

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

@TheTobbie

Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…

@NoTheOtherJohn

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

@reallifemommy3

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.