@Schindizzle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

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@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

@Jacob_Swift16

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house

@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@RinzyArt

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

@TheCamJude

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@sssh_squirrel

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

@robotrowboat

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.