The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I unironically love this joke.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.