The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!


Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.


Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house


little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths


a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder


“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”


My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.


I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.


Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.


Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.