The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Ron is short for Aaronald
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*