Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Note to self: always read the final line
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Breaking news:
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.