The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
You Might Also Like
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?