My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
A friend helps you before you need it
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot