The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

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I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.


Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”


It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.


She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.


I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.


my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong


Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!