“So how did you two meet?”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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I don’t think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.
My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.
Apparently not far enough.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Momma didn’t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.