*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Livid.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.