@Illiter8

The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.

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@WildeThingy

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

@jacquiewalters

“What should we name them?”
Grapes
“And what about these?”
Grapefruits
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
“Perfect”

@P_o_n_k

DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.