[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
why no one uses midhusbands
“What should we name them?”
“And what about these?”
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose
WOMAN: *Cries into hands*
DR. BABY: Wait where did she go
[Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.