The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
The Compass
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough