The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.