The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
You Might Also Like
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Leaving the Barbers like
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?