@Deurb1

The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P

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@DannyZuker

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

@hollyadkison

Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.

@thatUPSdude

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

@Mr_Kapowski

[getting ready to go out]

Wife: I have nothing to wear!

Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go

@FrazzleMyGimp

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.