Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
This is amazing.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.