the #horror is real!
The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.
I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.
[getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.