@Bagyants

The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows

You Might Also Like

@abradacabla

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

@TheRolo

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

@GrandadJFreeman

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

@lmegordon

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

@Shenaniglenns

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

@AndrewNadeau0

Band:Make some noise!
Crowd:WOOO!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
C:WOOO!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!