The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.