@pittdave13

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

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@Book_Krazy

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

@Skoog

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

@NotARatsAss

My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”

@sixthformpoet

1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments

@fart

accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”

@AimeeHelene1

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

@envydatropic

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

@newLettuce

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”