The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
You Might Also Like
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.