@pittdave13

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

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@EJT___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

@RunOldMan

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@Kyle_Lippert

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

@21stcenturysahm

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@HeyoShellz

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

@dumbbeezie

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

@Shen_the_Bird

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float