Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
saying “eat the rich”
-makes people think you’re a cannibal
saying “ok boomer”
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”
1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments
accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
Me: What do you think about that?
5 minutes later
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”