When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float