my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.