*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
mentally somewhere in italy
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Nice try, poison.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line