The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
BETRAYAL
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
i wish we could shoplift online
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.