The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
You Might Also Like
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.