The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.