The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.

“You ate the whole ba-”


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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon


Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week


Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals


When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence


Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase


Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.


I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…


Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.