[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My first son he is wonderful
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean