The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
You Might Also Like
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Many hands make light work
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.