@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

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@DadZZZasleep

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

@dril

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

@shawnspree

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.