You Might Also Like
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
worst…sale…ever
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.