The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.