I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
No, YOUR illiterate.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.