Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You Might Also Like
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Google assistant rules
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?