@HousewifeOfHell

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

- @HousewifeOfHell

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@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@caithuls

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

@PinkCamoTO

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

@Mattmateee

remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons

@tombrodude

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

@abbycohenwl

“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“Church?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
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@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell “ARF, ARF” like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth