The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
23. the denim jacket
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law