The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
i smell a pulitzer
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
*orders delivery*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?