Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
me when someone tries to get to know me
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.