My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.
It’s shaped like a corkscrew.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this