The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

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My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.


I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.


Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.


Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.


Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.


When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers


Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.


[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change