The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
23. the denim jacket
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you