@mommajessiec

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

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@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@robdelaney

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

@capnwatsisname

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

@daddydoubts

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

@jonnysun

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

@JodingersCat

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.