In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.