the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I think I’m having a stroke
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
He-man has a Masters degree
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.