2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.