Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch