The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.