the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
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[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.