the three branches of government
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
liiiiiiiiike
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?