The three genders.
You Might Also Like
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
😲 WTF? 😆
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do