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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?