@KenJennings

The three genders

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@aotakeo

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

@azedand2knots

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

@iwearaonesie

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@kirstenabigail2

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.