The three genders
You Might Also Like
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Liquor Store Parking
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.