The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!