The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I created you as mosquito food.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this