The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.


Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying


Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]


My mom: [sighs]


Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.


this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid


This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.


Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”


I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.


HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still


ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out