@TheAlexNevil

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

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@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

@Ronbo604

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

@HomeWithPeanut

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

@realfunghi

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

@GrantTanaka

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

@AristotlesNZ

This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.

@Advil

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@Shen_the_Bird

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out