[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Important
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
buys donuts instead
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?