the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus

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*catches bus to get home


Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs


I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”


You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.


If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.


I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.


I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.


Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.