@desukidesu

the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus

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@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

@PatsATweetin

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@NewDadNotes

Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.

@Prof_Hinkley

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

@im_not_smug

Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!