Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
the three most popular activities in ancient greece:
3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.
God: [pocketing money] why?
Horse: because he deserves it.
[later at dinner]
Unicorn: well this is nice.
God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.